sitting by myself
eating stale bread
i start to make a deep dive
in to my complex head
it’s kind of jumbled in there
so tangled and all mixed up
now i sip my hot tea in my big cup
think about my thoughts
take one thought alone,
it’s like one note in a song
you put on your headphones
and try to sing along
but one note is not enough
you need many, a symphony
when all the tangents come together
it’s time for some coffee
you sing and sing my thoughts
the start to make some sense
dive deep into my mind
your sanity is your expense
so i am just so smitten. i finally am happy. god is amazing, my friends are amazing. everything is working out so well. why have i waited so long to get my stuff together? i feel completely and utterly satisfied and i never want this feeling to leave me. taylor is great. i am so lucky.
I woke up this morning and i was just happy. I don’t know why. Was it because I slept through the night? Or perhaps my mattress heater? Thanksgiving was somewhat uneventful. I didn’t go to my grandparents as expected. My grandma doesn’t want to see me because of what happened two weeks ago. I feel horrible. I am not going to go into the details, but I feel as though I have lost my best friend. She was my rock and my support and now she “never wants to see me again”. I know that what she said last week may have just been an explosion of her thoughts from the last year and a half, but still it hurts so much. So I stayed home. I was so depressed yesterday. Depression is so selfish. I stayed in bed and cried about how stupid my life is and how everyone isn’t thankful for me. When I finally got out of bed, my mood changed. I started thinking about what I am thankful for. I am alive. How can I take that for granted? After all the things I have been through I am alive. So I watched a foreign film with my step-mom and cheered myself up. Later, my sister graced us with her presence. The girl lives two miles away from us with my mom (biological) and we maybe see her once a month. She came over with a full thanksgiving meal. At first I was confused. Why is she bring me all this food when my family wasn’t doing the traditional thanksgiving (because I ruined it)? Then she revealed her plan. She thinks that just by bringing my family superficial things, she can erase all the hurt she’s done in the past. So then she goes on to say that she is leaving, after being at our house for 15 minutes. Wow. All we get are her scraps. Same goes for my mother. I am a 16-year-old that has to email her mom to try and get a hold of her to set up a lunch date. I can’t say that it doesn’t sadden me. I always find myself wishing for a mother in my life, but between my step-mom and mom, I am without. My dad and my sister got in a fight, she stormed off and said I might see you next Christmas. What a disappointment. I woke up this morning with a smile, why? I don’t know.
the faster u get (closer u approach the speed of light) time slows down. so time is your relation to lite speed. and the universe is 14.4 billion years old (according to scientists) because that’s how far they see. so the universe is as big as lite can travel for 14.4 billion years. but scientists also say that when the big bang happened, the material coming out of the primordial atom traveled faster than the speed of lite. and that’s what they say is “dark matter” and is stretching the universe, and this will end the universe with a big crunch. so that means there’s something outside our universe pulling the lite, making our universe bigger, but the only thing that can bend lite is gravity. but gravity doesn’t actually bend lite, it bends the space around it. and the only thing that has enough energy to suck in lite (all the space containing lite) is a black hole. that means that the first thing to come out of that primordial atom was a black hole. that’s what’s beyond our universe.
well actually the black hole wasn’t first. a super humungous red giant star was. and the universe expanded a lot before it died. and when it died it started to suck the matter in like a black hole. well it was a black hole. so now the universe is still expand and yes it is true that it is going to begin to shrink. this in my option is true but because the black hole will acquire so much mass that it will be greater than or equal to that of the universe and will begin to stuck in the universe faster than it can grow.
then eventually everything will be in the beginning black hole. once everything is sucked into it, there will be another big bang, resulting in everything starting again.
1. dark matter: the force that holds stars in the sky. it can be proven in several ways: dark matter neither absorbs or emits light, scientist can observe it by measuring the effects of its gravity. this can be easily seen when two galaxies collide. Scientist use special telescopes to detect the location and amount of mass during the collision. Most of this mass is hot gas, which is the energy emitted during the collision. The other majority of mass is stars. All of this mass is contained in the galaxies. However, the force of dark matter keeps the stars (visible matter) separated. This dark matter is directly related to dark energy (the force that is propelling the universe’s expansion).
2. DARK ENERGY:
how can we know how big the universe is? we observe white dwarfs (the standard for light in the universe) to see how much light they emit. ["Because all white dwarfs achieve the same mass before exploding, they all achieve the same luminosity and can be used by astronomers as "standard candles."" (NASA)] By observing the light we can conclude their distance (using the 1/r2 law). By knowing the distance, we can know how long ago they occurred, by looking at their wave length and intensity of light. When scientists searched for these supernovae they expected that the expansion of the universe would be slowing (stars would be brighter–closer to us) but instead the supernovae was much dimmer, suggesting that they are father away… hence the conclusion of THE UNIVERSE IS GROWING!
3. Cosmic Microwaves (not just for popcorn): cosmic microwave background indicate that the Universe has a flat geometry. Except there is not enough matter in the universe to produce this plain. Dark energy is the “stuff” that must fill the vast reaches of mostly empty space in the universe in order to be able to make space accelerate in its expansion. In this sense, it is a “field” just like an electric field or a magnetic field, both of which are produced by electromagnetic energy.
4. however, there must be something more propelling the universe. if scientist measure the supernovae from the beginning of the universe, then there are other stars beyond those, which our telescopes cannot see. this would lead me to conclude there is a black hole from the first gravitational collapse of a star, when our universe was only a few million of years old. This star would have been massive, larger than any star we know of today (Pistol Star is the largest). It’s mass would result in a huge supernova and BAM the primordial black hole. …
The Man of the Crowd
by Edgar Allan Poe
(published 1845)
This was an amazing story. From beginning to end, the story seems a bit pointless. But after some thought and analysis the brilliance of Poe sets in. He writes about a mysterious old man with a diamond dagger beneath his quote and of another man following him. This relentless persueing never has a satisfactory ending. The man just remains a part of the crowd. However, Poe ends this short story with: “here is a man too troubled by his own thoughts as to be able to be left alone, troubling thoughts that would nonetheless be interesting, if we base our assumptions on what he hides under his cloak.” Isn’t this incredibly true? People seem these days to always crave attention and stimulation by other means. Most want to be surrounded by people and have a fear of loneliness. I, myself have this fear except mine is based off of past abandonments. I am perfectly happy swimming in my own thoughts, no matter how disturbing they are. Remaining in your own thoughts instead of being a “man of the crowd” to drown them out helps discover who you are. Why are some of the most intelligent people those who are isolators, stuck in their own mind, embracing the thoughts that cause them the most pain? Humans are always fleeing unpleasant feelings by using different means (drugs, exercise, building walls). Being surrounded by the root of your life, your innermost thoughts is scary, and being a part of a crowd can provide distraction, or companionship to face the thoughts. The old man that was being followed had an evil presence within him. It seemed that throughout the story, he was planning something spectacularly sinister. This man was perhaps the other side of the narrator. The evil thoughts that he was always trying to escape, but now was trying desperately to seek them, among a crowd.
my thesis is: Counteé Cullen’s writing impacts the literary community due to his more traditional views and the lack of the subject of race compared to most Harlem Renaissance writers.
okay so how do i support this and expand on this?
i want to pull his family, personal and educational life into this as well as his poetry’s themes and literary achievements into my paper.
Cullen family life was very private, which was typical for him. He had little to no contact with his mother and this could attribute to why he was secretive about his early years. Cullen would not even enclose details about his birth place. I think that he wanted to seem secretive to show this mysterious and almost elitist persona.
to be continued…
it’s also really weird being in the presence of family i don’t know really well because i can’t make my daily weird noises and post-coffee burps like i usually do. my life feels empty without them…
RAWRRRRMEMEOJSIODPOOP.
so i thought that i would have a horrible time in deep creek with my family. well it isnt that bad and we’re all getting really close!
besides my aunt’s husband david. he is a never ending chatter box and gah i’ll explain him later. we played apples to apples and that was amazing. my grandma (in her 80s) kept playing the card black hole, somehow she made it incredibly dirty.
i’ll have more detail of this later.
I am so stupid. Whenever I get anything that I want, I always do something to screw it up. Like my parents trust. I get it back finally after months of living in a house where everyone was always watching me and what do I do?! I throw it away . I feel so alone in my house. All I want to do is disappear. I have no one. I am alone at home, my parents hate me and all I do is hide in my room alone, reading comic books. At school I see everyone so happy and loving life, and I just want to kill them all. I guess I’m just just jealous. They have everything that they want. Parent’s trust, friends. All I want is to be close with someone. Have someone listen and understand and whenever I try, I sabotage myself. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’m afriad what I will be like if I am actually successful and somewhat happy. I don’t even know what happiness is. And to make it worse my depression isn’t getting any better either. My parents just want to see me succeed and I just want to make them proud. But obviously that’s not my top priority. I am so selfish. After all the hell I have put my dad through this past year he deserves nothing less than perfection from me. I need to redeem my past. My grandparents are always telling me that I am the “savior child”. I not only need to redeem what I have done, but my sister as well. I am my families last and only hope, and I should be doing everything in my power to make them happy. So the next month I guess I will be wallowing in solitude. I hope I don’t do anything stupid.
Last night I went to this party for my school on a yacht. I never knew these people had this much money. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I mean I’m flattered that I was invited to go, but I am just not used to these kinds of parties. How can I have fun watching girls my age dancing like slutty 5th graders and grinding on each other? How can I have fun seeing people playing limbo without any alcohol involved? Strangest experience ever. Plus not to mention I’m new at this school and I barely know anyone. So my options were: dance. (NO) walk around awkwardly trying to find someone I know. (maybe) or go upstairs on the top of the boat and talk to random people. I really am not that social so this party was really hard for me. At first I walked around while people attacked me for facebook profile pictures. Then I tried to talk to obnoxious girls that I had an underlying hatred for. Good thing I am a very skilled actress. After almost ripping my eyes out with boredom and frustration I went upstairs. It was freezing, but so much better that the tidal wave of parents and superficial girls. Speaking of parents, they were video taping the ENTIRE party. Why would you do that? So you can go back and be like OMG that was so much fun? Because if you do honey, you’re going to get one hell of a disappointment. They also got the limbo on record. Girls dresses were short so occasionally you could see there granny panties. I bet some old geaser is going to be watching that late at night with a bottle of lotion. Ew. So I went upstairs and froze my skinny ass of as couples were gazing at the stars. Too bad there weren’t any, but they were pretending the airplanes were. I was just feeling so bitter and annoyed. Maybe that’s why I was being so mean at first. It wasn’t a mean kind of mean, but a funny kind. I would just make jokes at people and they were caught up in who’s wearing what to care. It entertained me for a bit. So upstairs I just observed people and then sat on some benches with seniors I have never met before. Surprisingly they were cool, for private school Christian people. I thought that going to a party on a boat would be so much fun, a really cool new experience, but it was so horrible. I WAS TRAPPED. Now I know why they wanted it on a boat. So you couldn’t leave. 3 hours. And of course when my parents asked me how it was I responded “OMG it was so fun likee I met so many new friends. I LOVE CHRISTIAN SCHOOL!”
Seriously it’s so hard living two lives. All I want to do is make my parents happy, and not worry about me. So I have to paint this image that I am having an awesome time at this school. I should be having a good time, they’re spending thousands of dollars to send me here. The thing is I just am not like the majority of these people, and finding girls and guys that are close to decent is like finding a piece of hay in a needle stack. It’s so painful not having any friends. And my depression is just going to get so much worse. I feel so lonely. I have no one to talk to or relate to. All I can do is just throw myself into my school work. I want to just isolate myself from this school, not be affected my their drama, but if I do that then my parents are going to get upset. All I want to do is make them proud and stress-free. That’s the least they deserve after all the shit I’ve put them through. I really hope things get better, or I am seriously going to go insane.
